After reading Stephen Hawking's Universe: The Cosmos Explained, I thought, since the great astrophysicist is so certain about space having no eternity, that I’d catch Eternity on the rebound, so to speak, and marry him.

I’m no Elton John, and E Man, that’s what I call Eternity – no, I don’t capitalize his pronouns because, well, he’s my fiancée – is very male, but surprisingly, he offered no strong objections when, in his sadness over having been rejected by most of the scientific community, I suggested marriage. He said: "Who will it be?"

I said: "Well, I’m available."

He looked me over and said: "Oh, hell, why not?"

And that was pretty much it.

The ceremony is being held shortly at whatever time he chooses to show up. It could get precarious. Same-sex marriages are yet to be all the rage in heaven… or hell, for that matter. Those souls in purgatory, rather like the patients in a psychiatric ward, anxiously await their discharge, hopefully with a job waiting for them outside and not that other forbidding forever they might face while fully retired in hell.

Well, I’m nervous, as you could expect. For most of my life, I’ve considered myself heterosexual but when, as a Catholic, I remembered the Church is "the bride of Christ," I said, rather like E did: "What the hell, why not?" Or, as Joe E. Brown ended the film Some Like It Hot: "Nobody’s perfect."

We’re both very nervous actually. E’s about as nervous as a young Eternity can be. Yes, it’s a sort of an April-September marriage, and I am NOT the spring chicken here. I’m 64. What would a vibrant, teenage Eternity want with an old has-been actor?

Well, I’ll be running for President of the United States in 2008 and E is rooting for me.

Now, my darling readers – as I’ll soon be Mrs. Eternity, don’t think I’ll be off to do a Dame Michael variety show. Such an evening would never make it past a few showings because of the equal time ruling in elections. Ronald Reagan, as the first actor to be President, had no idea what he was starting. The only other actor to get that close to the Presidency was John Wilkes Booth and we all know what his proximity to the President did to America’s opinion of the theater… and the Ford Theater in particular. Booth’s ghost still haunts that historic venue.

Oh, by the way, my fiancée is a polygamist. He’s already given himself away billions of times. So, after all these eons and multiverses, and billions of marriages and breach of promises on both sides, E is really only 16 years old, according to Hawking’s correlation of the age of the universe to a human lifespan! So there is much more life left in the Universe yet!

Right. And prophets in the Bible live to be hundreds of years old. Just goes to show you, Mr. Hawking, there’s nothing like our Eternity! Oh, and by the way, you’re invited to the wedding, Stephen.