THE HAS-BEEN
By Michael Moriarty
Part 6
Cut to JACK C. FARR’s cheap hotel room in black-and-white documentary. FARR is watching the interview and he’s getting into a lather.
MONTREUX
(voice only)
Canadians love, serve and protect.
Hollywood loves and exploits.
JACK C. FARR nods in agreement with that statement. He then goes to one of his suitcases and pulls out a .44 Magnum.
Cut back to INTERVIEWER.
INTERVIEWER
Then what are you doing here?
MONTREUX
Making a living.
INTERVIEWER
How do you think the film will be received?
MONTREUX
Have no idea…. and I don’t fucking care.
INTERVIEWER
(embarrassed)
Watch your language, Mr. Montreux.
MONTREUX
(agitated and spilling his drink)
Watch my fuckin’ movie, man!
Cut to an audience in black-and-white documentary style, watching the movie and smiling.
At the back of the theater, BALDUCCI and BILLY BIGELOW are observing the reaction and nodding approvingly.
In one corner of the theater, JACK C. FARR is sitting, looking at the audience around him. He is searching for a face he might recognize.
Cut to headline of a newspaper review of the film: "HILARIOUS AND MOVING COMEDY: Academy Award Material."
Cut to HOLLYWOOD HOTEL POOLSIDE, still black-and-white. MONTREUX is basking in the sun, when BALDUCCI approaches.
BALDUCCI
Hey, Laurence….
MONTREUX
(behind sunglasses)
Balducci, baby.
BALDUCCI
Jus’ gotta call from Richard Coyote…
MONTREUX removes his glasses, revealing a wild-eyed anger fueled by vodka and lack of proper sleep.
Yeah, he wants you ta do a guest appearance…on his series.
MONTREUX
How generous of that wily Coyote!
BALDUCCI
Do it.
Bury the hatchet. Rebuild the bridges you burned.
MONTREUX
Young man, the only thing that could get me within a thousand miles of that creep is all the money he owes me — I figure Coyote is into me for seven million dollars!
BALDUCCI
Ya had a bad agent and a bad lawyer. That’s not Coyote’s fault….
MONTREUX
Would you like to go for a swim?
BALDUCCI
(backing away from MONTREUX)
Wait a minute….
MONTREUX pushes BALDUCCI, in full dress clothing, into the pool.
Cut to THE TRAILER, 35 mm, color. MONTREUX is talking to FOXY, his Pomeranian.
MONTREUX
Yes, my darling. We’re off to the Academy Awards. Fancy that! I’ve been nominated. Who woulda thunk it?
I haven’t a Pomeranian’s chance among pit bulls of winning, but we shall make our appearance.
You’re my best friend. You’ve never yipped at me or even yapped at me — or exploited me like all those sonsobitches!
You just sit on my lap and love me…. and that’s all I ever asked from the world. Love.
FOXY is licking MONTREUX’s hand with love.
Cut to the ACADEMY AWARDS. Black-and-white documentary style, interspersed with television, color video shots. An array of black-garbed people enters the theater. MONTREUX and his entourage of ABBY, BOBBY, OPY, KAREN and BALDUCCI accompany him into the theater.
Lurking behind them is JACK C. FARR. MONTREUX is escorted to his seat. Sitting in the seat next to him is RICHARD COYOTE. MONTREUX stares in shock when he recognizes Coyote.
COYOTE
(smiling/exposing his incisors)
Hi, Laurence.
MONTREUX
Oh, no. I refuse to sit here!
COYOTE
Come on, Montreux. For old time’s sake.
BALDUCCI arrives at MONTREUX’s side.
BALDUCCI
Laurence, jus’ sit down. ‘Sno big deal.
MONTREUX
Sit with him? The man who forced my early retirement and summarily fired four other members of that original cast, who were all so great that these episodes have been in reruns ever since? Hell, it’s still a hit show, almost a decade after I was "retired"! And Coyote cheated me out of my residuals. I’m only making pennies per broadcast.
BALDUCCI
(looking around at the audience reaction)
Calm down, Laurence. Just sit with him! It could help yer career. People don’t like bad blood here in Hollywood.
MONTREUX
Bad blood! There’s nothing but a Red River of bad blood here! The place is dripping with backstabs and cheating and….
BALDUCCI
Calm down, Laurence. Yer makin’ a scene.
MONTREUX
Then, please excuse me, Mr. Balducci. I’m sure you arranged the "seating protocol." How much did fuckhead here pay you to sit by an Oscar nominee?
MONTREUX starts leaving the theater. BALDUCCI stops him.
BALDUCCI
Hey, Laurence. What if you win? Who’s gonna accept the award?
MONTREUX
(producing a typed speech from his breast pocket)
You will. And make sure you read them this!
MONTREUX hands the piece of paper to BALDUCCI.
Then MONTREUX, disgusted, high-tails it out of the theater.
JACK C. FARR (in a balcony seat) watches MONTREUX’s exit, but keeps his eye on COYOTE.
Cut to outside the theater, where MONTREUX finds his limousine nearby, gets in and tells the driver:
MONTREUX
Isn’t there a kind of reception after this depraved celebration?
DRIVER
Yes, Mr. Montreux. Do you want me to take you there now?
MONTREUX
Yes, sir, I’d greatly appreciate it.
Cut back to Academy Awards.
The face of RICHARD COYOTE.
Cut to JACK C. FARR in the balcony, looking angrily at COYOTE.
GUEST PRESENTER
(voice only)
And the nominees for best actor are…
Karl Prewitt in A Shot at Eternity…
Sounds of a scene from an obvious war film as the camera tracks on the faces of RICHARD COYOTE and JACK C. FARR.
Frank Bradley for Romance Comes Second…
Sounds of an obvious satirical comedy love scene.
Laurence Montreux for The Has Been…
We hear a scene from The Has Been as JACK C. FARR leaves his seat and the balcony. He walks stealthily down the stairs, his hand in his pocket.
By the time JACK C. FARR reaches the mezzanine, the nominations have ended and the winner is about to be announced.
And the winner is —
Laurence Montreux!
CUT TO MONTREUX at the reception bar. The Academy Awards ceremony is on the television set. Upon hearing of his victory, Montreux’s expression seems amusedly resigned.
MONTREUX
Oh, bartender! Another wine, please. Apparently, I’m obliged to "celebrate."
CUT BACK TO THE AWARDS. The audience is applauding as JACK C. FARR walks down the center aisle toward RICHARD COYOTE, disgruntled at the fact that MONTREUX won and that he is not sitting next to him.
FARR reaches COYOTE’s aisle.
JACK C. FARR
(shouting at COYOTE)
Coyote!
Hey, more like a hyena or jackal than a coyote!
COYOTE turns to see JACK C. FARR.
FARR lifts his gun and puts a bullet through COYOTE’s face.
JACK C. FARR
(laughing sarcastically)
Facelift that, mother*****r?
Police rush to the scene. JACK C. FARR turns on them. They spray him with bullets. BALDUCCI approaches the supine FARR and stands over the dying man.
Tell Laurence Montreux I love him…. and I’ll see ‘im in Hell… or Heaven, or somewheres… okay?
BALDUCCI
(nodding and murmuring quietly)
Okay.
Cut to the RECEPTION. On the television set, we hear:
ANCHORMAN
A nightmare erupted at the Academy Awards tonight.
An unknown man has assassinated the famous writer and TV producer Richard Coyote. Police shot the killer to death after he turned on them with his revolver. Kelly Beale is at the scene. Kelly?
Cut to color television video of KELLY BEALE just outside the theater.
KELLY BEALE
An unknown man…
Cut to a photo of the dead JACK C. FARR as his body is lifted onto a stretcher.
Cut to MONTREUX at the RECEPTION. He reacts with frozen shock.
…without any apparent provocation…. hurled insults at Richard Coyote and then fired at him with his revolver. Coyote was killed instantly. The assassin then turned on the audience and the police with his revolver. He was killed, riddled with bullets. Investigators still have no clue as to his identity.
Cut to color, television video of OFFICER KALMO.
OFFICER KALMO
At approximately 9 p.m., Pacific Standard Time, an unknown assailant murdered Richard Coyote in cold blood. The attacker was shot and killed by security and police. We are attempting to identify the man.
Cut to photograph, head shot of JACK C. FARR.
If anyone can identify this man, you are asked to contact the police at this number.
(telephone number flashes below the screen)
Cut to MONTREUX as he stares at the photo of JACK C. FARR.
MONTREUX
(motioning to the bartender)
Is there a phone I can use?
Cut to MONTREUX at the police station, testifying to JACK C. FARR’s identity.
MONTREUX
He was a fanatic fan. That’s all I can say. I believe he might have lived in Manhattan. The depth of his research on my career was such that — well, he must have been based in New York.
DETECTIVE
What was your relationship with the victim?
MONTREUX
We were not friends.
DETECTIVE
Enemies?
MONTREUX
Not entirely. More like profoundly estranged former associates.
Hold on the DETECTIVE’s suspicious looks.
DETECTIVE
We’ll be in touch with you.
Cut to Hollywood hotel, poolside. BALDUCCI is standing over MONTREUX, who is lying on a cabana.
BALDUCCI
They say you can’t leave L.A. You’re a witness in a murder case! What the hell did you tell the cops?
MONTREUX
The truth…. that I’d met the man once before…. and that he was a fan.
BALDUCCI
What else?
MONTREUX
That Coyote and I were not the best of friends.
BALDUCCI
Holy shit!!
MONTREUX
If the truth be known, I’m not the least bit remorseful about the passing of Richard Coyote.
On the dismayed look on BALDUCCI’s face, we CUT TO:
Law offices. Expensive and very Hollywood.
HEAD LITIGATOR
This won’t prove to be much of a problem. Guilt by association is not grounds for conviction. We can get by that.
BALDUCCI and KAREN are with MONTREUX in the law offices. They look at MONTREUX. He appears utterly "out of it." He’s staring out the window at the vast landscape of Greater Los Angeles.
BALDUCCI
Laurence. Are you with us here?
MONTREUX
(turning slowly toward them)
I’ve never lived here…. in "HollyWeird." Never wanted to. Now I’m trapped here… possibly defending my freedom… and all because of the death of the worst kind of soul who ever thrived in Hollywood.
MONTREUX grows pale. He looks up to the others in helplessness.
Cut to the Hollywood bar where MONTREUX hangs out.
MONTREUX
And little Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!"
The BARTENDER and adjacent BARFLIES laugh.
A rather serious-looking man enters the scene. He sits next to MONTREUX.
SERIOUS MAN
Laurence Montreux?
MONTREUX
Yes?
SERIOUS MAN
(showing his badge)
L.A.P.D.
The adjacent BARFLIES pick up their drinks and leave.
MONTREUX
What can I do for you?
SERIOUS MAN
I have a few more questions.
MONTREUX
(looking around at his disappearing "buds")
Must it be here?
SERIOUS MAN
If you’d like to come down to the station, we could arrange that.
MONTREUX
Fire away.
SERIOUS MAN
The assailant’s name was Jack C. Farr… an itinerant crack addict…. from New York.
Have you ever taken crack?
MONTREUX
Are you speaking of the substance… or the orifice?
SERIOUS MAN
Hey, don’t go wiseass on me, Montreux.
You could be in a heap o’ trouble.
MONTREUX
Which proves that nothing fails like success.
SERIOUS MAN
What’s that supposed to mean?
MONTREUX
Had my film not been a success, you would not be talking to me.
SERIOUS MAN
I could book you on a P.I. right now.
MONTREUX
Public intoxication?
SERIOUS MAN nods yes.
How perceptive of you.
How investigatory.
How so Sherlock Holmes.
Is your name Mark Furman, by any chance?
SERIOUS MAN
All right, yer outta here.
SERIOUS MAN grabs MONTREUX by the arm and walks him firmly out of the bar.
CUT TO:
Los Angeles jail, the holding cell for those about to be released. MONTREUX shares a cell with five unsavory gentlemen.
THUG ONE
Yer Laurence Fuckhead, right?
MONTREUX
Montreux is my stage name… if that’s what you wish to know.
THUG TWO
Yeah, that’s what’s-his-name…
THUG ONE
Laurence FUCKHEAD!
MONTREUX
Gentlemen…. I don’t know what I’ve done to offend you….
THUG ONE
Yer a fuckin’ snob is what you are.
MONTREUX
Well, looking down on you would be a rather easy job.
THUG ONE slaps MONTREUX hard across the face.
THUG ONE
How’s that, fuckhead? Try it, Jerry. It feels good.
THUG TWO slaps MONTREUX on the other side of the face.
MONTREUX
(after recovering)
Gentlemen, I rarely engage… in this kind of group orgy….
THUG ONE belts MONTREUX with his fist.
MONTREUX
(through a bloodied lip)
Ya hit like a pussy.
The TWO THUGS pile on MONTREUX and start beating him.
CUT TO hospital. THE DOCTOR is talking to BALDUCCI and KAREN, OBY and ABBY.
THE DOCTOR
He’s had a heart attack.
Take him home if you can.
That’s all he seems to want.
Cut to MONTREUX’s TRAILER bedroom. He is dying comfortably among his family and friends. In the room are KAREN, ABBY, BOBBY, OPY and BALDUCCI.
MONTREUX
(weakly)
It’s all right, my darlings, the end is not much different than the beginning…. a rite of passage…. sometimes your birth is more painful than your death. I had to go into withdrawal the first time…. rather fierce hangover, if you know what I mean…. but since I’ll have no nerve ends after this, it should prove an eternally prolonged blackout.
He is beginning to feel the signs of his "final exit."
My darlings? Always know…that life is perfect. Never forget that…. and when in doubt…. simply be in doubt… and in the midst of your confusion…. BE! JUST BE!
He experiences the gradual stopping of his own heartbeat. There is a great deal of pain, which he overcomes with his last word.
BE.
LAURENCE MONTREUX dies.
Cut to a gravestone, upon which is engraved:
HERE LIES LAURENCE MONTREUX.
A GOOD ACTOR
WITH A WEAKNESS FOR GOD
AND A GENIUS FOR LIFE!
Over this, we hear the memorial service.
BOBBY
(voice only at the memorial service)
I don’t know what genius is…. I’m nowhere in the ballpark for that…. but I enjoyed his friendship. We shared a lot of years together—20, to be exact….
Cut to a church and a memorial service for MONTREUX. We see BOBBY finishing up his thoughts.
There was rarely a dull moment. He could be "dramatic," you know.
The audience of family and friends smile at this observation.
And that’s pretty much it.
I won’t "look upon his like again."
He leaves the stage and BALDUCCI replaces him at the podium.
BALDUCCI
As I told him a lotta times, he was an asshole!
But he knew he was an asshole.
That helps.
It certainly made ‘im funny.
How’d I get ‘im to do The Has Been?
I bribed ‘im!
With wine!
He emptied a vineyard.
(snapping his fingers)
Like that!
Made ‘im even funnier!
So my plan worked.
Never liked many people in my life but I liked him. Yeah, sure did!
BALDUCCI leaves the stage. As he walks off, ABBY is passing him toward the podium.
Hey, get outta my way, ya schmuck.
ABBY
(overlapping to the audience and pointing at the departing BALDUCCI)
He crazy man!
My boss, Laurence — he sick man. He drunk, but he never bad man. He love my daughter, Abbila. He very loving man. I miss… I miss my boss.
(he starts to tear up)
That’s all I have to say.
ABBY leaves the stage and KAREN enters the frame.
KAREN
I knew Laurence for all too short a time, but the time we had was wonderful.
Yes, he was a drunk…
and yes, he had a temper…
but he had what’s been missing in the world for a long time — romance.
The most romantic man you could ever know.
So let’s all assemble around his photograph and have our picture taken.
He would like that.
The friends and family of LAURENCE MONTREUX gather around the large photograph of him near the church altar.
A PHOTOGRAPHER settles before them to take the photo.
PHOTOGRAPHER
Is everyone ready?
Freeze frame on the photo when it’s taken.
FINAL CREDITS
THE END