THE HAS BEEN
By MICHAEL MORIARTY
PART 5
Cut to black and white documentary. We are at Atmosphere’s bar and restaurant, day. MONTREUX is sitting in his usual place at the bar and in walks JACK C. FARR with a grocery bag.
JACK C. FARR
(to himself)
There he is — Montreux of Kalamazoo. That’s the guy! Shit.
JEFF THE BARTENDER
What can I do for you?
JACK C. FARR
(pointing at MONTREUX)
Him. Like to talk to him.
JEFF
He isn’t talking to strangers.
MONTREUX
(interrupting)
That’s all right, Jeff.
Young man, what can I do for you?
JACK C. FARR
Autographs. See this…
(He pulls out MONTREUX memorabilia: old theater programs, photos and articles, magazine interviews, laying them out on the bar.)
MONTREUX
(rather impressed)
That’s quite a collection. My word — the Shakespeare Festival, 1963!
JACK C. FARR
How ‘bout this? The way-off Broadway play ya did in ’65!
MONTREUX
(looking at an old baby picture of him)
Where did you get this?
JACK C. FARR
Off the Internet. Yer all over it… got 15,000 listings of yer name on it…read every one of them.
MONTREUX is speechless.
Come with me. I’ll show ya. They gotta computer café right next door….
MONTREUX
I can’t…. don’t want to…can’t even stand my reruns…
JACK C. FARR
Can ya autograph these, though?
MONTREUX looks at the pile.
MONTREUX
All of them?
JACK C. FARR
Yeah. I’ll buy you a glass o’ wine if you do….
MONTREUX
Oh, well. I’ve nothing better to do. Jeff? A glass of wine, please.
MONTREUX begins to sign the souvenirs with the pen JACK C. FARR hands him.
Cut to the trailer kitchen. MONTREUX and his love, KAREN, are there. She is serving a microwave dinner of chicken, corn and mashed potatoes.
MONTREUX
Odd thing…. fans. Some build a star into a religion. Don’t know why, but Joseph Stalin knew that if you control the artists, you control the human race! He tyrannized Prokofiev, Shostokovich and Stanislavski… and tried to control Stravinsky, but he fled to Pacific Palisades, of all places.
KAREN listens as she serves MONTREUX his dinner and putters around the kitchen.
Some great artists have very bad taste in real estate.
Sad thing…when some people make another person’s life their obsession.
But, then again, if, as I believe, life is perfect, then there must be some reason for fanatic fans. Have no fucking idea what it is, but…oh, well, I should be the last person to complain. Apparently, I’m the object of his adoration.
Thank God I’m not Jodie Foster!
KAREN smiles and we CUT TO:
Vancouver street. BALDUCCI and MONTREUX are walking together.
BALDUCCI
We gotta write her into the script.
MONTREUX
Who?
BALDUCCI
The money girl. She wants to be in the film.
MONTREUX
As what?
BALDUCCI
Dunno yet. She could be yer garden-variety nymphomaniac….
MONTREUX stops in his tracks.
MONTREUX
I beg your pardon!
BALDUCCI
(nodding in the affirmative)
Oh, yeah. Ya know how many days in bed it took me to get the money up for this piece?
MONTREUX
Spare me the details.
BALDUCCI
So we shoot something. If it’s no good, we’ll leave it on the cutting room floor.
MONTREUX
You’ve gotten me into a comedy — and now you want me in pornography?
BALDUCCI
Not pornography. Well, not hardcore. Just a lil’ scene with some sex in it.
MONTREUX registers disbelief.
She’s gotta have a scene with youse. She won’t pull the rest of the money unless she does.
Cut to 35 mm, color bedroom scene. MONTREUX is lying in bed in veiled distress, looking away from the MONEY GIRL as she lists on her fingers all the men she’s had.
MONEY GIRL
There was Jimmy and Sal. Barry…. and Binky, his brother. There was…oh, yeah, Peter, Bob and Harry. They were all very good friends. Very good, if you know what I mean. We had a great time. Then Vincent and Carmine — his father.
On MONTREUX’s shocked expressions, we cut to:
Shopping mall in black-and-white documentary. We only see the camera crew as they back up through a crowded mall. They back themselves right up into a Vancouver policeman.
POLICEMAN
‘Scuse me.
The camera crew, BIGELOW and BALDUCCI, turn to face the officer.
Have you gotta film permit deh?
BALDUCCI
(stepping up to "bat," so to speak)
We’re tourists. We like filming our trips.
POLICEMAN
Does your lady friend…usually travel Air Canada dressed like that?
Cut to MONEY GIRL in her bikini, smiling innocently.
CUT TO screening, "rush" room. On the screen, in 35 mm color, is the MONEY GIRL’s innocent smile.
BALDUCCI
(off camera)
We cut from that — to this.
Cut to BALDUCCI in black and white, documentary.
(BALDUCCI is about to point when BIGELOW interrupts.)
BIGELOW
How ‘bout me at the cop shop bailing us all out?
Why not try that shot?
BALDUCCI
Would ya get off it!
So I pressed the envelope a little bit.
BIGELOW
Where did the Money Girl go?
BALDUCCI
Right here.
(He holds up a cheque for $500,000.)
BIGELOW
Is that enough to finish the film?
BALDUCCI
Yup, including post-production!
On BALDUCCI’s smile, we cut to:
Impressive Hollywood executive office. RICHARD COYOTE, television producer/director/writer, is sitting, entirely relaxed, at his desk. His assistant is sorting papers in another part of the room.
ASSISTANT
I hear Montreux’s new film…
COYOTE
(reading Variety)
Yes….
ASSISTANT
… could be a hit. The post-production rooms are excited about it.
COYOTE
Hmm. That’s good. It’ll improve his rerun ratings even more and we collect the profits…and he gets pennies…. Nothing, really. Revenge, you know, is best served up cold.
ASSISTANT
His episodes already get the best ratings….
COYOTE
(his anger flares a bit and then dies)
I said I’d make an "actor-proof" series…. and I did.
His infernal "pride" now has him living in a trailer camp, while I live in the lap of luxury.
The ASSISTANT looks up from his papers at COYOTE. Then he looks down. He shakes his head subtly in disgust.
COYOTE looks quickly up at the ASSISTANT in mild paranoia and anger.
The ASSISTANT then rises with a letter in his hand and gives it to COYOTE.
ASSISTANT
What do you want to do with this?
COYOTE
(after perusing the letter)
Fuck ‘im.
If he can’t take the contract the way we wrote it, then we’ll find another actor.
ASSISTANT
(hesitantly)
But he’s awfully good.
COYOTE
(anger flaring)
I don’t need good actors!
I’ve proven that!
All the idiots have to do is say my fucking lines!
ASSISTANT
(taking the letter back)
Yes, sir.
COYOTE
Actors have always needed me more than I need them.
ASSISTANT
Where are you planning to dine tonight?
COYOTE
Spago’s, of course! Where else?
Cut to 35 mm, color. The film. We’re in the trailer, day. MONTREUX is sitting on the toilet doing his business. A full-length mirror is in the bathroom. He looks into it and begins his monologue.
MONTREUX
Ah, the throne. The King on his…thrrroooone!
The creep from Kalamazoo.
The dipsomaniac from Detroit!
(singing)
"Be a clown, be a clown.
All the world loves a clown!"
(back to spoken word)
Ah, yes…
(he begins to dance in his seat on the toilet)
(he sings again)
"Dancing on the crapper…."
(the song fades in his mind)
(he sniffs the aroma off the toilet and grimaces)
Ooooooh.
Apparently I don’t shit… Chanel No 5.
Alcoholics Anonymous….
… would say I’m sitting on the Pity Pot, collecting a ring …around my ass…
Oh, well. Unfortunately, I am not anonymous!
Makes me rather ineligible, you know?
They eventually give me either "special attention" or…they’re jealous!
Why — I have no idea.
If they knew what it was…to have no privacy (Brit pronunciation — privuhssee)… nor privacy (American pronunciation — pryvuhsee)…
(sings)
"You say pryvuhsee…
and I say privuhsee!"
(He laughs. He was successful in making himself laugh. That is the whole point of the exercise.)
Comedy is profound courage, without an ounce of self-pity!
Tragedy is profound courage, with immense compassion for the central figure.
(sings)
"Tragicomedy tonight!"
(he dances on his "throne")
Death is not the enemy!
Fear is!!
(heavy New York delivery)
So, bring it on, baby-pie!
Cut to Vancouver Hotel, night, still 35 mm, color. MONTREUX is singing to KAREN, who’s sitting amidst a guest list of successful types.
MONTREUX
"Falling in love again,
Never wanted to…
What am I to do?
I can’t help it.
Love’s always been my game…
Play it how I may…
I was made that way…
I can’t help it!
Souls cluster ‘bout me…
Like moths around a flame…
And if their wings burn…
I know I’m not to blame…"
Cut to screening room in black-and-white documentary style. BIGELOW and BALDUCCI are watching rushes.
BALDUCCI
Cut the first eight bars.
We all know the song.
And hurry to the bridge.
BIGELOW
(after a pause)
You’re right.
How do you know all this?
BALDUCCI
I’m from New York!
Ya gotta problem widdat?
BIGELOW
(smiling)
No, Mr. Balducci.
None at all.
BALDUCCI
I think we almost gotta film here.
BIGELOW
We’ve gotten a few calls from the office of Richard Coyote.
BALDUCCI
Oh, really? That prick?
BIGELOW
Yeah.
That shithead… and his studio hasn’t paid Montreux his worth for eight years. Why the fuck do you think he’s living in a trailer?
Cut to the trailer. 35 mm, color. We are in the film again. MONTREUX is meditating on his trailer life.
MONTREUX
I love my little trailer. Had an $800,000 house once in upstate New York. It was so big, my voice echoed inside it. I much prefer this.
My little love nest.
My cave.
Cut to MONTREUX exiting his trailer and walking toward the old Mercedes. In it are ABBY, OPY and BOBBY.
We follow them in an aerial view of the mountains surrounding Maple Ridge. They are driving south, down the Pacific Coast to Hollywood. They pass through Seattle, San Francisco, Carmel and then down into the Los Angeles area. They are going to attend the opening of The Has Been.
They arrive at the hotel. Photographers and fans are waiting. MONTREUX poses for photos, signs a few autographs and enters the hotel.
Cut to a television interview. Video color.
INTERVIEWER
So you really haven’t been paid for your television reruns.
MONTREUX
Pennies.
A street performer makes more.
INTERVIEWER
How do you feel about that?
MONTREUX
Ripped off.
I’m not a Coca Cola sign.
I’m a human being.