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The Has Been
(Fourth Installment)
by
Michael Moriarty
Cut to Lion's Gate studio set where BIGELOW and BALDUCCI are behind the cameras and MONTREUX is suitably bombed in his sofa chair.
BALDUCCI
Ain't ya ever heard of the Actor's Studio?
They do it real!
BIGELOW
But he never studied at the Actor's Studio!
BALDUCCI
Who has ta know dat?
BIGELOW
(squirming)
All right - roll the cameras!
The ritual of rolling the cameras is performed and we close in on MONTREUX's monologue.
We are back into 35 mm, since this is part of the "film within the film."
MONTREUX
(picking up a glass of red wine)
Ah, the fruit of the grape. Ah, the grape of the fruit!
(He minces a bit, as if gay)
Thought of going gay once. Five failed marriages is a major incentive!
One of my wives actually did go lesbian, and I…. Well, it was so television sitcom of her
that I thought I'd reverse the roles.
But then I was kicked out of a gay bar by five of the largest fudge-packers you ever saw!
BIGELOW
Cut.
You were right, Balducci.
That bastard is a funny duck, all right.
On BALDUCCI's self-satisfied grin, we cut to ABBY making love to his Canadian mistress, WENDY. She looks distant and distracted.
ABBY
Baby, what wrong?
WENDY
I'm pregnant - with your child!
ABBY
You get abortion!
WENDY
I'm a Catholic, Abby. I can't do that!
ABBY
(getting up off the bed and shaking his head in dismay)
Lady pregnant, too.
WENDY
What?
ABBY
My dog, Lady. A Rottweiler. She pregnant too.
I want her to have baby.
WENDY
(after a long, bewildered examination of ABBY)
Who put the "bun in her oven?"
ABBY
(looking very guilty)
Who know?
It big world out there…. and Lady like to run.
WENDY
Will there be a wedding reception?
Perhaps we should wear flea collars to the ceremony.
Cut to a scene between WENDY and her mother KAREN.
WENDY
(in tears)
Oh, God! How could I have been so stupid? I fall in love with a hairy mess of Hindi
madness! And I get pregnant!
Her mother, Karen, simply listens with bemused resignation, a kind of "I told you so" attitude.
I looked up a list of abortion clinics and all I could see was Father O'Brien's angry face. I
should have fucked him, but I just don't dig older men - especially in black cassocks.
They all look like nuns to me! And I am not going lesbian! I'd rather raise the little
bastard!
ABBY VOICE-OVER
So, she insist on having baby.
Cut to Vancouver restaurant, day. KAREN and MONTREUX are in a "face-off" over their lunch.
KAREN
So you hire a Hindi satyr who is more in love with his dog than he is with my daughter.
MONTREUX
I'm an American, madam. Consensual adulthood is just that - the freedom of adults to
consent. Obviously, Abby didn't rape her…
KAREN
But to ask her to have an abortion! We're Catholic!
MONTREUX
So am I. The abortion will never happen and I will take responsibility for the child.
Abby's never been a father. He's terrified at the thought. However, he's taken very good
care of me and I am - to put it frankly - one of the biggest babies you'll ever meet.
KAREN
Mr. Montreux!
MONTREUX
Call me Laurence.
KAREN
(blushing slightly)
If you can assure me that my grandchild will be all right…
MONTREUX
As my grandmother once said: "Do your best - and then don't give a damn."
KAREN
Fine. Thank you.
MONTREUX
(with a flirtatious glance)
More wine?
KAREN
Well, I've nothing better to do.
MONTREUX
(pouring KAREN more wine)
Neither do I. Wine is actually my vocation. I'm a Christ-bitten wino!
KAREN
I knew a lot of priests who are like that.
MONTREUX
So have I. Raised by them, actually. They weren't bad men - just a bit smelly, with their
morning mass wine and occasional cigar. The first day in my high school, one of them
stood over me, with his dragon breath, and asked: "Has my boy been playing with
himself?"
(long pause as the two of them wait for what is next)
What are you doing for dinner?
Cut to LAURENCE MONTREUX holding the new baby and purring at it.
MONTREUX
Yes, my sweety pie.
You're the best thing that's happened to us since I was fired from my last job.
KAREN stares at the little scene with loving admiration.
KAREN
Laurence?
MONTREUX
(looking up at KAREN)
Yes?
KAREN
I love you.
MONTREUX
Yes, I know that.
Unfortunately, I love you too.
You'd think I would have learned after five failed marriages…. to never fall in love
again.
Cut to MONTREUX at the Vancouver Hotel singing to an adoring KAREN.
We are in 35 mm now. This scene will appear in the film THE HAS BEEN.
MONTREUX
(at the piano with his bassist)
Love is wonderful
The seventieth time around.
Much more wonderful
With both feet on the ground.
It's that seventieth time
You hear your love song sung.
Makes you think perhaps
That love, like youth,
Is wasted on the young…
Cut to a North American highway. JACK C. FARR, carrying on his back a rather large pack, is hitchhiking his way from New York City to Vancouver. He's humming to himself.
JACK C. FARR
Laurence Montreux from Kalamazoo,
I'm on my way.
There'll be nothin' to say except
"Sign your autograph!"
Cut to 35 mm - the film, the set, with crew all around. We hear "Action!" and the frame is now in deep, smoky color.
We are in MONTREUX's trailer. He is sitting in his one sofa chair, asleep.
OPY OFF-CAMERA
Dad?
MONTREUX
(awakening abruptly)
Yes?
OPY
How did you ever get custody of me?
You're a drunk.
MONTREUX
No. I am a dipsomaniac. Has a far grander ring to it.
OPY
Why aren't I with my mother?
MONTREUX
Son, as you may well know, your mother worked in a prison. She had an affair with one
of the inmates. That hardly qualifies her as "Mother of the Year."
OPY
So I've gotta crazy for a mother…and a drunk for a father…
MONTREUX
Apparently, I was the lesser of two evils.
OPY
Bobby's a better father to me than you ever were.
MONTREUX
Why do you think I have him around?
OPY
He's your bodyguard.
MONTREUX
No, he's your father figure - a male role model. Shape yourself after him and you might
escape my fate. I was gestated in Canadian Club whiskey and Pall Mall cigarettes. It's the
only normalcy I know. You should be grateful I have a preference for wine over whiskey.
You might not even be around, had it been otherwise.
Simply assume that all of life is perfect…. and if it doesn't appear to be, there's
something wrong with our telescope. Life is a drama written by God.
We are the actors and we are given our lines at the very moment we are expected to say
them. If we hesitate, our perception of life's perfection is lost and we are plunged into an
unspeakable mediocrity.
OPY
Isn't that better than being a has-been?
MONTREUX
No. I think of myself as a "was."
But at least I was!
"To be! Or not to be!"
That speech is not about suicide.
It's about surrendering to the miracle of existence and its utterly sublime perfection.
Be! Be! Be! Be!
Be-bop!
Installment 5
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