Michael Moriarty - The Has Been

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THE HAS BEEN

Third Installment by Michael Moriarty

Cut to Burrard Street, night.

MONTREUX is being pursued in a walking pace by BALDUCCI. BALDUCCI follows MONTREUX all the way to ATMOSPHERES, the only other bar MONTREUX is allowed in.

MONTREUX is sitting at the bar talking to JEFF, the bartender.

MONTREUX There are only two kinds of hecklers, Jeff. The truly witty ones, and then there are the kamikaze hecklers. They fly into your performance like 767s.

Jeff looks up and sees BALDUCCI enter the bar.

BALDUCCI simply sits at the bar, two seats away, and orders a drink.

BALDUCCI Jack Daniels, straight up, no chaser.

JEFF (a bit nervous) Yes, sir.

MONTREUX (after acknowledging BALDUCCI's presence with a look) Ah, apparently you chose to play Chopsticks... (MONTREUX checks his watch for the time.) …and a very short version at that.

BALDUCCI No, I'm just tryin' to get you off yer fat ass and back to work.

MONTREUX I'm retired.

BALDUCCI No, yer not, yer jus' feelin' sorry for yerself.

MONTREUX (after a pause) Compassion for myself might be more accurate. I've had my career and it's over.

BALDUCCI Not if I have anything to say about it.

MONTREUX (after a long, examining look at BALDUCCI) I don't think we've been formally introduced.

BALDUCCI Anthony Veldechio Balducci. From New York.

MONTREUX Ah, a refugee…

BALDUCCI No - a manager!

MONTREUX I've had a few of those…. and somehow…they just seem to get in the way.

BALDUCCI In the way of what?

MONTREUX My retirement.

BALDUCCI So yer givin' up.

MONTREUX No I simply want, for the first time in my life, to enjoy existence. Period. Exclamation point…and a big fat Bronx cheer for you.

MONTREUX blows a loud one at BALDUCCI.

BALDUCCI

That's good. See, I told you you were funny.

MONTREUX Humor is easy…. when you're sitting next to the ridiculous.

BALDUCCI That's even better.

MONTREUX And your point is…?

BALDUCCI We could make a lotta money doin' a comedy.

MONTREUX Money has rarely been my passion…. unless, of course, I want a drink.

BALDUCCI Then let me buy ya one.

MONTREUX Be my guest…Jeff, the usual and put it on Mr. Balducci's tab.

JEFF Coming up.

MONTREUX and BALDUCCI eye one another for a bit.

MONTREUX So you want me in a comedy, eh?

BALDUCCI That Canadian thing is good: See - eh - En - eh - Dee - eh.

MONTREUX How long have you been in Canada?

BALDUCCI (after gesturing with his hands in recollection) About two weeks' hard time.

MONTREUX You don't like it here, eh?

BALDUCCI It's business. I'm huntin' a buck.

MONTREUX I don't know why you think I could provide it for you.

BALDUCCI We'll get it together. A lotta guys, you know, so-called "serious actors," have hit it big, late in their career, by doin' comedy. Leslie Nielsen, Lee Marvin…..

MONTREUX You want me to "clown?" Make a complete and utter ass of myself?

BALDUCCI You been doin' that already.

MONTREUX A "drunk" is not a "clown." He's a poet.

BALDUCCI That's good. It's almost poignant.

MONTREUX Oh, so you want to make a "fall-down funny comedy" that is "almost poignant."

BALDUCCI Why not?

MONTREUX Why me?

BALDUCCI Cause yer a "falling-down drunk" that's "almost funny."

MONTREUX pauses to consider the observation.

He sips his wine.

Another long pause.

MONTREUX Oh, well. I've really nothing better to do, have I?

BALDUCCI No, ya don't.

MONTREUX My contract will require that, in my dressing room or camper, there will be vast amounts of wine.

BALDUCCI Not a problem. My father owns a vineyard in California.

MONTREUX Is the wine any good?

BALDUCCI Here…

(BALDUCCI holds out a bottle of red wine with his father's label on it.)

Have a taste.

MONTREUX (after staring at the bottle) Jeff, would you open this for me, please?

JEFF Certainly, Mr. Montreux.

JEFF opens the bottle and pours a glass for MONTREUX. He first gives MONTREUX the cork to sniff. MONTREUX sniffs it. Gives a gesture of mild approval.

MONTREUX I should let the wine breathe but…oh, well, life is getting shorter.

MONTREUX sips the wine. Pauses. A mixture of complex opinions crosses his face. Eventually he says…

MONTREUX Let's shoot this fuckin' film.

Cut to:

ABBY VOICEOVER So we begin fucking film, write script-ee and try to raise money.

The voiceover segues to a bedroom scene where BALDUCCI is trying to fuck his way to a production but he can't get it up.

His partner notices his impotence.

MONEY GIRL A New York Italian who can't get it up? Isn't that a contradiction in terms?

BALDUCCI I'll get it there, honey, just you wait.

MONEY GIRL I haven't got all night!

BALDUCCI Right, baby, just hold on.

MONEY GIRL What turns you on?

BALDUCCI (after a pause) Money.

MONEY GIRL How 'bout this?

She pulls out a wad of $100 American bills.

BALDUCCI Yeah, that looks pretty good. We just need another hundred piles of somethin' like that.

MONEY GIRL What's the budget?

BALDUCCI (after debating the possibilities) 'Bout two million."

MONEY GIRL If you get it up, you'll get it.

BALDUCCI Gee, it's that simple.

MONEY GIRL It looks like it may be that hard…or not hard, depending on how you look at it.

BALDUCCI Hmm. Hey, look at that! Things are looking up.

MONEY GIRL (with amazement in her eyes as she gazes at his growing erection) Wow!

BALDUCCI It's amazing what money can do.

He pounces on her. A montage of their lovemaking leaves her in absolute bliss as ABBY continues his storytelling.

ABBY (voiceover) Money come. Money go. Balducci make movie happen.

BIGELOW OFF-CAMERA I can't work with an actor who's actually drunk.

BALDUCCI OFF-CAMERA He's supposed to be drunk in the scene!

Installment 4

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