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The Has Been

(Second Installment)
by
Michael Moriarty

Cut to a black-and-white documentary. Vancouver. A 1982 Mercury bounces down Robson Street. Driving it is Tony Balducci. He arrives at Atmospheres, the only bar in Vancouver which Laurence Montreux is still allowed into.

BALDUCCI
(Shouting at Laurence)

Hey, comedian!

Laurence gives a vague reaction to the call.

BALDUCCI

Hey, you! Comedian!

MONTREUX

I beg your pardon.

BALDUCCI

Yeah, you, Mr. Comedy!

MONTREUX

I am not a comedian.
I am a serious actor.

BALDUCCI

I think you're the funniest thing I've ever seen.

MONTREUX

And what brings you to that conclusion?

BALDUCCI

Yer the most pompous ass I've ever run across.

MONTREUX

Oh, really!

BALDUCCI

Yeah, yer one tall pile of bullshit.
And I got it all on this.

Balducci pulls out a videotape and waves it in front of Laurence.

Once Billy Bigelow gets a load of this, you'll have a whole new career.

MONTREUX

And who, might I ask, is Billy Bigelow?

BALDUCCI

The wealthiest producer/writer/director in Canada.

Cut to LION'S GATE STUDIO, day.

Balducci enters through the studio door, despite the fact that the red light is on and the cameras are running.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

Cut! Cut!
Who's making all that noise?

BALDUCCI

Me, fuckhead!

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

And who are you?

BALDUCCI

Anthony Veldecchio Balducci!
And where the fuck is Billy Bigelow?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

Over there.

Balducci walks over to the director, BillyBigelow.

BALDUCCI

Hey, big shot.
I got somethin' tuh show youse.

Cut to screening room. Bigelow and Balducci are viewing the video.

BALDUCCI

Now, here he is dancin' down Sixth Avenue, thinkin' he's Fred Astaire.
Now that's funny.

Cut to video shot of Montreux passed out on a barstool.

Now that's not funny.
It could be, though, if we script it right.

Billy Bigelow appears to be more convinced that he could make a comedy with Laurence Montreux.

Cut to still photos on a wall of Laurence Montreux, from his childhood to his college years and then onto his career achievements. We finally rest on the face of his adoring stalker, Jack C. Farr. He's talking to himself at a rather manic rate.

JACK C. FARR

(Ad Lib)

Here he is, Donny Richards of Kalamazoo. And here he is in his first starring performance on Broadway as Laurence Montreux. Here he is as Richard III. There he is as the chorus in Henry V. And there he is as Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady! No one will ever be quite like him!

Cut to Vancouver Hotel, night. Laurence Montreux is singing a love song, an old classic. He's at the piano with a bassist behind him. He is, of course, drunk and having fun.

MONTREUX

A few laughs,
A few loves
And a big steak dinner.
That's North America
And we are the winner!
So, please sweet pea,
Bring it to Manhattan!

Cut to Vancouver Hotel, later. Night.

MONTREUX

We're North American eagles
And we fly like Canadian geese
But on the ground
We can be Texas rattlesnakes,
If we have to be….

In the corner of the lounge we see Balducci, listening. He is increasingly disgruntled. He finally stands up and shouts at Montreux.

BALDUCCI

Hey, asshole! Fuck the politics! I came here to be entertained and not lectured
or bummed out!

Montreux pauses in his singular manner. The audience is shocked. Some feel pity for Montreux, while others silently agree with Balducci. It's a very tense moment with many shots of the audience and performer.

MONTREUX

If that is how you feel, sir. Apparently, you've come to the wrong bar.

BALDUCCI

Yeah, but...

MONTREUX

Sir, I am not finished!
I am going to leave the piano to you and pray that you will come up with
something better.
Perhaps That's Amore or Arrivederci Roma!
Or better yet, a really bad version of New York, New York.

Montreux rises from his piano bench and walks with great aplomb past the tables and straight through the front door of the Vancouver Hotel.

Balducci, a little caught off guard, collects himself and follows Montreux out of the hotel.

Installment 3

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